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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Retard-O-Matic

Coming home from work tonight I got a nasty surprise. When I opened the front door, something smelled really bad in the house, like warm rot. Awesome. I thought, what in the hell has Dangerous D done now? It didn't take me long to figure out where the humid stench was coming from.

Walking into the kitchen I saw a large dark grey vegetable dehydrator. Peeking through the lid I could make out hazy outlines of a few whole russet potatoes. Now I don't know much about dehydrators and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought you have to slice items up so they dry out properly in one of those things. Since Dangerous D filled that machine up with whole vegetables they were doing little more than slowly rotting. At least that's what it smelled like. The whole house stunk and it was bad. I'm going to have to talk to him about this tomorrow. Another discussion. Had to have a chat with Dangerous D yesterday, and the day before that too.

Last night when I got home I pulled into the driveway to find our garage door had been left wide open. That really made me angry. My place isn't in a bad neighborhood or anything, but I don't need shit being left unsecured so just anybody can wander in and help themselves. I've got a bunch of tools in the garage. If those were swiped because that little dumbshit left the garage door open I'd be tempted to break his neck. Anyway I had to sit down with the jerk and lecture him why we aren't going to leave the garage door open unattended anymore.

The night before that I came home from work to find he'd left the stove on. One burner was live, Dangerous D had fallen asleep and left it rolling. I yelled at him for that. Christ, I'm feeling like I just adopted a retarded kid with the way this is going around here.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Cowboy Cold

When you're in a living situation sharing a house with other people it doesn't take long to notice odd habits or unusual quirks about them. I've certainly got mine. Dangerous D has some really strange ones. For example, he likes to buy large bottles of juice and he never refrigerates them. After filling up his glass once the bottle will stay out on my kitchen countertop for days until colonies of white mold are floating on the surface of his juice. I deliberately waited to say something to him about his first couple of juice/mold experiments because I was curious. I wanted to see if he was going to drink that stuff as-is or I at least wanted to discover how long it would take him to throw the crap out. Nearly two weeks passed. I got tired of looking at it so I finally mentioned something to him.

"Hey D aren't you gonna throw your juice out? It's contaminated, like biohazardous waste."
"wWhAt?"
"Your cranberry juice out here. It's rotten. After you opened the juice you let it sit out at room temperature and it went bad. This stuff has to be refrigerated as soon as you open the bottle."
"i DIdn'T kNOw tHAtt."
"Huh? How could you not know? It's says right on the bottle 'refrigerate after opening.' Dump it out and next time put it in the 'fridge. Got it?"
"yEAh."

I feel like I'm living with an idiot child instead of a 20 plus year old grown man. Mommy and Daddy must not have spent much time with Dangerous D preparing him for adult life on his own.

Another peculiar thing Dangerous D does is leave his beer out. He likes to buy twelve packs of Coors Light in longneck bottles. He'll rip the container open and grab a beer but leave it on the kitchen floor. That's where it will stay for the next few days until he's drank them all. I asked him about that the other night. I said, "I guess you like drinking Cowboy Cold beer, huh?" He was confused, so I explained it to him.

"Back in the days of the Wild West, cowboys would travel on horseback across the great plains. They carried their beers in saddlebags and drank them warm. This was due to the fact that it took them a long time to discover rivers. When cowboys found a river they could put their beers in the water to cool them down before drinking them. But, after many years of drinking warm beer they were used to it and decided cold beers were not tasty. To this day most cowboys still drink their beer warm. On a Cowboy Cold scale of one to ten yippie-kai-yays, a room temperature beer would probably be a five or six. A beer that was left out baking in the afternoon sun all day would be ten yippie-kai-yays. Now, if you had put those beers in the 'fridge like you're supposed to they would only rate one yippie-kai-yay, because they'd actually be cold. The warmer your beer is the more Cowboy Cold it is. Get it?"

Evidently he didn't get it. Dangerous D is still buying those twelve packs of Coors Light and leaving them on the floor. Guess he must like the taste that way. He's a true Cowboy.

Friday, March 24, 2006

TV Stand

The next day after Dangerous D and I had an evening confrontation over his lame ass living room furniture arrangement, I felt kinda bad. There was no way I could allow his stuff to stay like that in the house but at the same time I knew I had been too harsh on the little guy. It freaked him out. I took his glass coffee table to the garage and I managed to fit it in the rafters above his car. Then I hauled the book case thing out there and laid it against the wall of the garage. Damn thing was so heavy and awkward to lift that I nearly fell over on the way out with it. The TV he bought was a large flat screen high definition model. From the description he gave me I was certain it must weigh at least a couple hundred pounds. A glass coffee table like his would no doubt instantly shatter under that kind of weight. He needed a sturdy TV pedestal made specifically for monster sized televisions.

One thing is for certain. Dangerous D will never have a career as an interior decorator.

Feeling like I had gone slightly overboard yelling at Dangerous D the night before I decided to try to make things right. Payday came and went a few days ago. I had a little cash left over. So I made what I thought was a sensible offer to Dangerous D. If he would keep his junk furniture in the garage I would buy him a TV pedestal as long as the cost did not go over $100. He agreed. Then he asked me, "wWouLD yOO lIKe TOo sSEe ThEE tEEVeE i BaWt?" I said sure. It would be good to get an idea of how big this thing really was, so I could figure out where to place it in the living room. While I was examining his new idiot box at the store Dangerous D could check out Best Buy's TV stands and hopefully pick one of them out. So we were off to Best Buy which was just across town. Dangerous D said he'd drive.

Only a few blocks away from the house I seriously regretted getting into a car with Dangerous D behind the wheel. He was all over the road cutting off other cars, merging into lanes without looking to see if anyone else was next to him first, and pulling into intersections when he shouldn't have. I found myself grasping a handle above my head with my right hand white knuckle style. Some people refer to those overhead handles in cars as an "Oh Shit" or a "Jesus" handle. That's because as you're hanging onto it for dear life in the seconds before being mangled in a brutal car accident you shout "Oh shit oh shit oh shit!" or "Oh Jesus oh Jesus oh Jeeeeeesus!" I reckoned there was a high probability of getting into a wreck thanks to Dangerous D's total lack of driving skills. Minutes later and many near broadside collisions later, we approached our destination. I silently told myself that if I were to live through this round trip and make it home alive in one piece, I would never ever get into a car with Dangerous D again.

Standing in the Best Buy Parking lot I looked back at his car. He couldn't even park his shit like a normal person. His ride was positioned totally cockeyed between those white lines on the pavement. Chump.

Inside Best Buy my adrenalin rush from nearly being killed slowly eased up. I broke a nervous sweat during the ride. Dangerous D took me to the television section of the store and pointed out the model he bought. I read the specs on it. Like I figured this silver grey colored beast of a TV weighed in at 207 pounds. Ruthless. Next to the card on the shelf listing that TV's price I noticed a bright yellow sign. It announced a special one month promotion. Buy this TV and get a free stand to put it on. Fuck me. As soon as I saw that my eyes rolled back into my skull. I said, "Hey D. What's this?" I pointed at the yellow square. He limped over and read it, then reacted with amazement. The little asshat bought this thing and didn't even know he got a free TV stand out of the deal.

I stopped a Best Buy employee and explained the situation. I mentioned that my friend here was a moron and asked if he "Could have his free TV stand now?" I carried the box containing Dangerous D's brand spanking new stand out to his car and jammed it into the back seat. After a nasty drive home I thanked numerous deities for sparing my miserable life, and for saving me a hundred bucks.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Bookcase And A Coffee Table

A few days before Dangerous D moved in I went to the hardware store and bought myself a new doorknob set for my bedroom door. I wanted one with a key so I could lock up my room whenever I left the house. It was just a precaution, I'd feel a little better knowing Dangerous D wouldn't be able to wander in and snoop around my room while I was out. Installing the lock was easy, it only took a few minutes. I realized that if someone really wanted to bust in they could kick the door down with little effort but it was better than nothing. I also cleared out half of the third bedroom which I used as an office. The only things I had left in there were a small computer desk and my PC. Dangerous D could use the other half of the room for his computer desk.

One afternoon at work as I was passing by Area 51 Dangerous D stopped me and mentioned that he would pay me his first month's rent as soon as he got his deposit back from his apartment manager. Somewhat baffled by this I said, "D, things don't work the way you're thinking. Most landlords don't instantly refund tenants' deposits the day they move out. They have to inspect the place for damage and deduct some of your money for cleaning and repair. You'll be lucky to see any of your money back within 60 days after you move out at the earliest. Didn't you know that?" Apparently, he didn't. All of a sudden I suspected he was so broke that he didn't even have the five hundred bucks to move in. I thought to myself, what have I gotten into now? Dangerous D assured me he'd have the money by the first of the month. I'd believe it when I saw it.

Much to my surprise on the day Dangerous D moved in he handed me a stack of cash. Five hundred on the nose. Whew.

If I didn't mention it before I probably should now. Dangerous D has some kind of impairment. He suffers from a disease or birth defect that has limited his ability to physically move and speak. He hobbles around and he's marginally able to drive a car. Even though walking is tough for him he refuses to use a cane. When he talks he sounds like someone pinched both his nostrils with a clothes pin. Words come out flat, loping, and stuttered with an occasional random falsetto tone thrown in for good measure. Listening to him in a conversation is sorta like riding a verbal rollercoaster. Totally wacky.

The following week after Dangerous D moved in I came home from work late one night and opened the front door to see an overturned book case lying on my livingroom floor. On top of it someone had placed an art-deco coffee table, it was a thick piece of glass that curved underneath itself on one side to form a leg. The other side had a single black metal cylinder for support. It looked insane sitting there slammed up against the wall. The bookcase was massive, it took up a wide area nearly reaching the fireplace leaving only a narrow amount of room to walk around it. As I was about to go upstairs and knock on Dangerous D's door to ask him what the hell was going on, he came downstairs. Smiling with that weird retarded grin of his he said, "HEeey. i wAaaanTeD tOoo TAaalK TOoo yOOu." Great. Maybe I could get to the bottom of this furniture abomination. He limped over to the center of the room and gestured out with both arms in the direction of his bookcase and table. "WhAaT DOoo YoOu thINk Oov tHIs? I AMm GooINg TOoo PUtt a TEeeVEE ThERE." He pointed at the glass coffee table. I looked at him, then back at the crap he stacked up, then back at him again and I said, "The fuck you are. That shit is going into the garage."

His smile instantly disappeared.

With a worried look he mentioned that he just bought a big screen television at Best Buy that afternoon which he spent $1,200 on. It was going to be delivered here later in the week. This was strange news to me. Dangerous D was cash strapped for his first month's rent yet he could afford an expensive TV just like that? It didn't make any sense.

Renting Out A Room

Work continued to suck real bad while I was tasked with building dozens of test stations. In addition to those lousy Combo Mod and Phase Noise racks I had to produce many others. High Frequency Scope, Level Accuracy, Turn On, High Power Calibration, Spectral Purity, and a few other kinds were all on my "to do" list. And of course since no one was willing to pay for equipment to build these stations I continued to sneak around the factory stealing or trading for the stuff I needed. It was a real mess.

Paying the full amount of rent on my place took it's toll on my finances. I started to rapidly sink in a quagmire of bills, instead of swim. After a few months trying to make ends meet I had to borrow money from Autumn which was not cool. So, I faced facts. I was going to have to take on a room mate that more than likely would be someone I didn't know. This was something I had wanted to avoid. Griping about my situation at work to Shitfoot one afternoon he proposed a helpful solution. Dangerous D was looking for a place and since I needed a room mate why not rent to him? I hated the idea. However after thinking about it for a while I decided having a coworker for a room mate would be slightly better than sharing my house with a total stranger.

Dangerous D was renting an apartment in my neighborhood. His place was a couple of streets over from mine and he claimed to be in a similar boat. Like me, he was renting alone and the monthly cost was too much. For a single room apartment he was paying $900 a month. He said he needed to start saving money instead of blowing it all on his rent every month. I knew how he felt. So I cut him a break. Dangerous D could move in to my place without paying any deposit. He could have the master bedroom for $500 a month and we would split the household bills. That was a fair deal in my opinion. Dangerous D accepted the offer. The master bedroom has it's own bathroom and it's floor space is quite large. I don't like the master bedroom here because it's on the side of the house that gets sunlight for most of the day. Since I work nights I like to sleep well into the afternoon. In my little nocturnal world sunlight is the antichrist. If I could reach up and punch out the sun I'd do it.

I had a terrible feeling deep down in my gut about this arrangement with Dangerous D but I was hoping for the best.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Guatemalan Superiority Complex

Shitfoot and TC have taken Dangerous D under their wings. They like him, so for the past couple of months since he's shown up both of them have tried to help him out. At work and outside of work. That's cool, but personally I really don't like Dangerous D because the way he talks annoys the shit out of me. Also I'll be honest. I think he's an idiot. I just don't like being around him. TC and Shitfoot have gone on roadtrips with the guy to Tahoe and stuff. So they're pals. Good for them. Shit got kinda weird at work the other night though on account of a rather stupid announcement Dangerous D decided to make in front of everyone working in Area 51.

Dangerous D told us that he hates Mexicans. Now, I'm sure plenty of people out there in the world do hate Mexicans. What raised both my eyebrows about this was, I thought Dangerous D was a Mexican. He speaks Spanish, he's got jet black hair and dark skin. He even has a Spanish last name. All that pretty much adds up to Mexican in my book. I was genuinely confused by his outburst.

Before I could say anything TC stepped up to the plate. He went over to Dangerous D and he asked him, "So you hate Mexicans?"
Dangerous D said that he did.
TC looked at him and smiled with that calm, evil smile of his. Instantly I knew TC was going to fuck him up and bad. TC said, "What you're telling me is, you hate my wife. Is that what you're saying? I think that's what you're trying to tell me. You hate my wife. That's it isn't it?"
"Uhhhhh I ummmm uhhhh I..."
TC continued. "And my daughter is half Mexican. So you hate my daughter. Why do you hate my daughter?"
Dangerous D was officially in the spotlight and he didn't like it. Everyone was looking at him. All he could say to TC was "Uhhhhhhh."

It was beautiful. I was laughing so hard I thought I might piss myself.

Dangerous D is from Kansas, but he claims to be Guatemalan. Another idiot I used to work with here on Team Loser was J2. J2 is Guatemalan and he mouthed off to me frequently about how much he hated Mexicans. Apparently Dangerous D suffers from the same retarded superiority complex. I don't get it. I mean, I can't tell a Mexican from a Guatemalan. They all look the same to me. And what's with that shit anyway? Nobody is better than anybody else in this world. Period. I used to fire J2 up all the time by asking him if Guatemala was a small town in Mexico, just to enrage him. God damn it was funny the way he flipped out when I did that. I couldn't resist. That's the bastard in me.

I have a message for you Guatemalan folks out there. You are not better than Mexicans. You aren't more culturally advanced or sophisticated than Mexicans or anyone else. You ARE Mexicans. You look like them, and you speak Mexican. Furthermore I have an urgent news flash for you. You guys down there South of the border aren't even the real Mexicans. Real Mexicans live in Europe and they come from a country called Spain. So do everybody a favor and knock off the racist shit. Drop the act. Okay? Sheesh.

Phase Noise



Phase Noise test stations are also a headache to put together. Unlike a Combo Mod test rack, Phase Noise is relatively straightforward and clean inside. No rat's nest of wires and cables to contend with. Combo Mod has so much gear jammed into it that there is no room left inside for the computer monitor. The only way to include it is by mounting an adjustable swivel arm platform to one side of the test station. That requires adding sections of 2 inch steel square tubing to the rack subframe, drilling holes through the side cover, and bolting it down. Real pain in the neck. All I can say about that is, I got it done. Only two more of those to go...

Fortunately I don't have to do any mechanical rework with Phase Noise. I ran into a different sort of hassle though. In order for Phase Noise test stations to take complicated measurements they require both a Unix workstation and a regular old PC. The Unix station runs a master test executive that our software engineers wrote. It controls and communicates with each instrument in the rack via GPIB. The PC is necessary to run a special phase noise measurement suite. Where we run into trouble is the PC and the Unix stations like to barf on each other when certain conditions in test code arise. Anyway that's not my problem. My problem is the system has to use only one mouse, one keyboard, and one monitor. To set this up properly I have to add a switchbox that connects one set of input devices to both machines. I have to build three Phase Noise stations and I only have one of those special switch boxes. Ugh.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Combo Mod Hell



Not knowing what the hell I was doing, I decided to start in on one of the eight foot tall monsters. I figured it might be best to just dive in and go for it. So that's what I did. My list called for three Phase Noise stations and three Combo Mod stations. The Combo Mod plans looked nasty because every inch of available space in the cabinet was used. In the past we had two separate kinds of stations for testing modulation. One was an Analog Modulation set, the other Digital Modulation. Rather than have two stand alone racks engineering redesigned them into a single station and called it Combo Mod. Skimming over the Combo Mod assembly instructions, I took a deep breath and got to work.

At first I was overly cautious. With each instrument I loaded in and secured I went over to double check with Shoelaces to make sure I did shit right. I guess after I had about half of the rack filled up Shoelaces told me he thought something was wrong. He walked over to a complete Combo Mod station over in our test area, looked at it, and came back. Then he checked the assembly instructions I was using and said, "This is ancient. It's an older version of these stations and the new ones use different instruments." Fuck! Sure enough I walked over to a couple functional Combo Mod stations in forward flow test and Shoelaces was right. They had different boxes in them compared to what my instructions had in the paperwork. That made me angry.

I called the engineering group to find out what was up with their online documentation. As soon as one of the guys over there picked up the phone I explained that I was working on some Combo Mod stations and that the instructions I was using from their website appeared to not be current. He said, "Yeah, you're right. We haven't updated any of those in a long time." Okay no shit. When I asked why they haven't kept things updated to the latest version he replied, "We're too busy." Nice. I took all of the engineering paperwork I printed out and threw it in the trash. Then I grabbed a Combo Mod station that no one was using, powered it down, and rolled it all the way to the other side of the department where I was working. I would copy everything from that rack visually. Really I couldn't think of a better way to continue.

I started over again from the beginning.

Installing each piece of equipment was the easy part. The bad shit wasn't until I got to adding BNC cables inside the cabinet on the back of a switch/control unit. Pure hell. The switch/control unit holds up to 5 circuit boards that can be anything from a multiplexer or general purpose relay to a VHF switch. Regardless of what I installed, each board in the control unit was covered with BNC connectors. Nearly all of them were to be used in the Combo Mod station. The only way to put it together without becoming totally confused as to which cable went where was to add each cable one at a time. I went back and forth dozens of times between the functional Combo Mod rack and the copy I was setting up just to connect those BNCs. Then I must have checked each cable like six damn times because I was paranoid I'd placed them incorrectly.

Shit was running all over the place in there and it started to get cramped fast. I had GPIB cables, power cords, rigid lines, BNCs, and other stuff everywhere. Most frustrating was making cable connections on the inside of a single unit rack cover plate. It was necessary to have some feed-thru connections from inside the rack to the front panel but no matter what order I tried to stage it in, cables didn't want to reach the threaded connectors. Using longer cables might be okay in some circumstances but it could also cause serious performance issues. I had no way of knowing what was acceptable to alter or not since the engineering assembly instructions were bad. That didn't leave me much of a choice. The more cramped it got in there the more difficult it was to get a wrench on a connector. I felt like I was working in an engine compartment instead of a test rack.

This shit was going to cause me to become a heavy drinker in no time.

The Big Equipment Roundup

First thing I decided to do was sit down and prioritize what I was going to require in order to pull this job off. I needed a good set of hand tools, tons of hardware (like side rail kits, rackmount handles, screws, etc.), plenty of available instruments, rigid cables, BNC cables, power cords, engineering documentation (so I knew what was supposed to go where), and a bunch of obscure random items. Finding hand tools was relatively easy so I took care of that immediately. In a couple of locations on site we maintain rooms called Labstock. They're rat packed with supplies like safety glasses, raw PC boards, soldering irons, capacitors, screwdrivers, and tons of other shit. It's kind of like the Army's equivalent of an ammo dump. So I grabbed a cardboard box and raided two Labstock rooms. I loaded up on wrenches and screwdrivers until the box I was carrying under my arm started to feel heavy.

Next, I went to Shoelaces and asked him for assistance finding a documentation resource. He was super cool about it and he showed me an internal engineering website that had printable instructions for building just about every kind of electronic test rack. The bosses had given me a list of racks with how many of each type they demanded. It was quite a steep order. I spent a few hours sitting in front of a computer one evening going over that engineering site printing out copies of assembly instructions. When I was satisfied I had everything, I went into super scrounge mode for the next couple of weeks. I bugged our equipment maintenance techs for every nut, bolt, and screw they could spare. They were really helpful by showing me where they had collected a large amount of supplies. That took care of stuff like side rails and handles.

My biggest obstacle was locating spare instruments to load into each rack. See, I quickly discovered that while my management team wanted all this shit built and they wanted it yesterday, they weren't willing to pay for what they call Capital Expensed items. Most of the test gear fell into that category. I asked repeatedly for supervisor's approval to purchase equipment or at the very least get some help with locating available instruments elsewhere in the company. Nobody paid any attention. In person they'd usually say that they'd get back to me. Voice mails and e-mails went unanswered. Since they weren't going to buy the equipment brand new I ended up having to beg, borrow, and steal instruments. It's like one of my coworkers frequently says, "The reason they call them managers is because they manage to get in our way all the time."

Like a thief in the night I snuck around the plant scrounging for test gear. I let myself into other production lines' spare equipment rooms. If the shit wasn't bolted down and it was on my hit list, I swiped it. In a couple of cases items I desperately needed were bolted down. I brought tools and took 'em anyway. I got a big break when one of our equipment maintenance techs gave me a copy of his front door key to a secret stash of gear. Once that happened I was able to start wheeling and dealing with other lines. You know the stereotyped man on the street wearing an overcoat that quietly walks up to people and asks, "Pssst. Hey buddy. Wanna buy a watch?" He then proceeds to open his coat to display dozens of stolen wristwatches. Well, I became like that guy but instead of peddling hot timepieces I was making shady lab equipment trades. Maybe another line really needed a particular model of Spectrum Analyzer (which I had access to) and they had an MMS Upconverter that I needed. We'd cut a deal on the down low and trade. It was really going to fuck up inventory counts across the division, but I decided to just say "too bad" and do what needed to be done.

When I had finally rounded up enough stuff for two or three complete racks, I got down to business.

Becoming A Test Rack Monkey

Due to the massive buildup in orders I've been pulled in all sorts of directions over the past six months. In addition to my normal job working at Adjust One testing and pre-tuning boxes, I've had to jump back to testing A6 boards, build instruments, and test power supplies. That's just here on the line. Supervisors have also tasked me with building thirty or so brand new GWS workbenches (which was a total clusterfuck), strip the hard drives from over one hundred Unix workstations and reload them with pre-imaged replacements, and assist other production areas. It's too much to keep track of at times. Trying to stay on top of everything and get stuff finished when I said I'd deliver has been a stressful chore. Even with help it hasn't been easy. TC has been giving me some backup pulling and swapping out those Unix hard drives. Management allowed me to pick out four or five of the department's new assemblers to assist in building workbenches. Without them I probably would have had an aneurysm by now.

They've hit me with a new task. A technician who was given the responsibility to build dozens of new test racks has been removed from the project. For months he's been dragging his feet putting the shit together and that has caused a negative chain reaction. Other areas (including our own production line) who were patiently waiting for the equipment have ended up far behind schedule which has jeopardized some rather large customer orders. It's also slowed up some of our support for Malaysia. Anyway, the bosses finally came down on that technician pretty hard. He's no longer in our department. I was told this week I am his replacement. It's a full time gig. I have no idea how long it's going to take me to do this job, but I won't be working in Area 51 anymore. At least for some time. To be honest I'm nervous about this assignment because I've never built any test racks. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm not a technician, I have no experience or background doing this kind of work. Really all I am around here is a glorified instrument assembler, a mere cog in the great RF Sources machine.

In a mostly vacant section of shop floor way in the back of Building 2 I found a staging area containing one long single file row of incomplete test racks. Many of them were the big bruisers, the eight foot tall racks. There were huge sections of empty space in each cabinet. Only a few of them appeared to have most of their equipment loaded in and bolted down. Cables and wiring had been hastily left dangling everywhere inside. They were far from functional. Nobody left me any tools or hardware supplies. I scoured through that deadbeat technician's cubicle hoping to locate some kind of assembly documents or written outline of what instruments were supposed to go into certain flavors of test rack but I came up empty handed. Typical. I should have expected that to be the case. This was going to be a rowdy uphill battle filled with plenty of headaches.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Dangerous D

After Barney, Louie, and Abu were removed from Area 51 we eventually received a new hire as a replacement technician for Barney's spot. It took a while, I don't remember how long. Maybe it was a few months. Louie and Abu's jobs remained vacant in the meantime. We were told the new guy was from Kansas, and our interviewing team hired him right after he graduated from a technical electronics school. That sounded pretty good. He showed up for his first day of work this week. As soon as I saw the little fellow hobbling across our shop floor I knew something went very, very wrong during his interview process. Whoever was responsible for allowing this to happen should be punched. Lots.

Our new technician is Dangerous D. He's deformed. Physically and mentally. I don't know if he smoked some Polio or ate some Muscular Dystrophy or what the fuck. But this tiny guy is seriously wrecked, man. Dangerous D wobbled into the area on his first day at work like a corroded shopping cart with only three wheels. He had a wide grin on his face that allowed a modicum of slobber to glisten from his lips. Obviously enthusiastic about his new job he announced, "HEeeeLLLoooow!" to everyone and from that moment on I assumed the worst was about to happen. Realizing we were in trouble yet again, I cringed in my chair. I don't understand how this keeps happening around here. Really it's mind numbingly stupid. Out of all the qualified people available to hire nationwide we consistently locate and recruit the mutants.

7X is the smaller RF Signal Generator instrument we work on here in Area 51, and Ed is one of a handful of technicians left that really knows the product inside and out. Ed has been working 7X for so long that he started to burn out on it. Wanting a change of pace Ed cut a deal with the bosses to transition into working on some newer instrument platforms. Unfortunately, that meant before Ed could move on to bigger and better things he had to stick around long enough to train his replacement. Everyone Ed has been given to train up on 7X since last year has been a total loser like Barney. It's been frustrating for him to deal with employees who aren't able to actually do the work. Now Ed is coming back to train Dangerous D on the 7X stuff and I have a bad feeling his new apprentice ain't gonna get with it.

Room Mate Woes


What a drag. Senor 23 is moving out. He's been here at my place for a little under a year. It has been great having him as a room mate again. We lived together for a long time at the B Street house downtown so we know each other's habits and quirks, we get along quite well. Everything was cool here but he's decided to move back in with his girlfriend. I think he's making a terrible mistake getting back together with her. Things between them didn't work out the first time and when he moved out of her place he rented a room from me here. He needed to escape, to get away from her unstable behavior. Now he's headed right back into the fire. I'm sorry to see him go.

Good room mates are tough to find. My experiences have varied widely with them from super cool to extra hateful. I've learned the hard way that strangers usually don't work well with me in a room mate situation so I've tried to only live with people I've known a long time. Mainly good friends. Right now none of my friends are looking for a place to live. I'd rather pay the full amount of rent myself and not sub-let another room until a close friend is up for it. Otherwise I'll end up placing an ad somewhere for a room mate and more than likely the only people who will respond will be the freaks, losers, and fuckups. Paying the rent by myself is going to be tough on me financially. The monthly rent here is $1200. I'm already borderline broke most of the time since I can't seem to manage my money.

Autumn has suggested I use Craigslist to find a room mate, but for me that's not an option. She's placed ads on Craigslist looking for people to share her apartment with and so far they've been junk. Total closet cases. She had a short crew cut man-hating lesbian Filipina that acted real weird whenever I was there at the apartment on weekends. That was always an uncomfortable scene. One of her past room mates was a guy named Jove that came out here to the Bay Area for school at the Culinary Institute. He was harmless enough, however he did have some odd habits that were slightly creepy. Let's just say he isn't someone I'd want living under the same roof with me. Autumn's most recent room mate Jeff hasn't been too cool either.

I still held out some hope that Autumn might like to move in with me but she continuously comes up with excuses for it not working out. At this point I am certain Autumn isn't willing to live with me under any circumstances. She must have made up her mind some time ago to pre-disqualify me as a potential room mate. Autumn seems content with being little more than a part-time girlfriend, which makes me feel depressed and unhappy often. When we first started dating I was okay with only spending weekends together. The time apart gave us plenty of space to do our own thing. We could stay focused on our jobs, do whatever we wanted with friends, and remain independent. These days I miss her badly during the week. I suppose over this whole time that we've been together what I wanted out of the relationship has changed.

Dreams Made Real

Corporate has announced our new company slogan.

"Dreams Made Real."

Now what I want to know is, who in the hell thinks up this kind of stupid shit? In the context of selling high-end electronic test and measurement gear this doesn't make much sense. I mean, to the average guy out on the street will one of our latest Network Analyzers cause his dreams to be made real? Perhaps a brand new Power Meter will do the trick. More than likely he's never heard of a Network Analyzer nor would he care what one would be used for. Are we telling customers their dreams will be made real if they buy our increasingly unreliable products? It's more like customer's "Nightmares Made Real." That's fitting.

Is Supergeek is trying to send a message to our employees? Each and every one of us will have our "Dreams Made Real" by the company. Somehow. Maybe? Damn, it's dumb.

To commemorate the offering of worthless stock options and announce the new company slogan we've all been given a clear acrylic paperweight that has the logo, jingle, and Founder's Grant written inside. I think I'm going to take mine to the shooting range and hit it with some surplus Soviet hollow point thirty caliber rounds. Yeah.

Who's Laughing Now?

Problems with Barney occur almost every night in Area 51. All of us have grown very tired of his personality and his erratic one-sided conversations. TC has done a marvelous job of shutting Barney down within minutes of him constantly shooting his mouth off, but I have a feeling if Barney were to mentally snap because of TC's hazing, maybe Barney would come in here with a gun and start shooting. I mentioned this to TC. I said, "You know if that kook comes in here one day seeking revenge for being made fun of he's gonna come looking for you first man. You better run." TC flatly rejected the possibility by saying it would never happen. I'm not so sure about that.

Barney was dumped on us by the Spectrum Analyzer group. TC has a buddy over there that likes to drop by our test area and laugh at us since we were stuck with the jerk. Well, now the tables have turned. In a surprise move our management staff has worked out a deal where both Barney and Louie will move to Spectrum Analyzers effective immediately. All of us here in Area 51 were in shock over the news. Nobody ever figured anything this cool could be possible. Our morale has suddenly soared through the roof. The best part of it is, TC will be able to get his revenge on his buddy in SA now that we have returned Barney to them. And what a double dose of evil. Louie will stink up Spectrum Analyzers with his bad breath and other assorted unpleasant body odors, waste time handing out poems to their assembly crew, and wreck instruments on top of all that.

Rarely anyone gets fired here, employees like Barney and Louie should be thrown out with a vengeance. Instead, they linger for years being shuffled around from department to department. They're bottom of the barrel dregs. Now they're someone else's headache for a change.

In other good news Abu recently had the plug pulled on himself too. I never thought I would see the day, but Abu has finally been moved to a job elsewhere. So that's been another surprise bonus for all of us. The only problem we're facing now is when do we get some suitable replacements? We do need people over here in Area 51. There's talk of another wave of hiring that's gearing up to take place soon. Maybe we can get a few new people. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

A View From There


Hanging out at Autumn's place on weekends is kinda hip. It's only a fourty five minute drive from my house which is no big deal. Even though it's not far away from home every time I'm there it feels like I'm on vacation someplace exotic. Can't really put my finger on where though as I've never really been off the west coast of the US. From the second story balcony of Autumn's apartment building there's a scenic view of her neighborhood, including a single large hill to the West. Standing out there you can see a long distance to the North where rolling hills eventually rise up from the flat land of the bay. In the evening when skies are clear of ocean fog, sunsets can be gorgeous.

Twice a day flocks of geese fly overhead. In the morning V formations of geese with black colored heads and necks fly out to Golden Gate Fields, which is a horse racetrack just off the 580 freeway. You can hear them coming from far away because they make a deep, raspy honking noise all the time. Late in the afternoon they fly back, I think over to the UC Berkeley campus. Autumn told me she's pretty sure these geese are an endangered species up in Canada which is funny if true. There are so many of those damn birds here you'd never know they were somehow in danger of going extinct. Golden Gate Fields has a terrible problem dealing with the birds because they leave behind a mountain of turds every day. I heard recently that the racetrack hired a bunch of dogs and let them loose on the geese, and the dogs got their asses kicked bad. They're big, mean, tough geese.

Skeptical Optimism

Lately I've been struggling with trying to remain upbeat and positive about this company's long term success. Honestly, I'm skeptical things are going to work out well for us. Supergeek has launched an internal propaganda blitz trying to get employees like me to buy-in to his vision of the future. Corporate filmed a video recently that listed many of our product divisions, the markets we sell to, and management's near-term business plan. The video was glitzy and I have to admit when I came away from watching it I had a feeling maybe things would be okay after all. I mean, we do have some pretty cool shit in the works. A recurring theme in the video was that even though our company name has changed, everybody still knows who we are. The competition is supposed to be scared now that we've been cut loose. Yeah, right.

Here's what we have left on our side of the house since the PC division kicked us out. We've got component manufacturing (stuff like programmed ICs, LEDs, microchips, etc.), medical instruments, chemical analysis, life sciences, electronic test and measurement, and automated test equipment. Our products are used in commercial applications as well as the aerospace and defense sectors. That means the specific products I work on can be used to make a cell phone or tune the seeker array on a cruise missile. It all depends on what the customer's end use is.

Perhaps one of the biggest new things we're working on is a kind of white ultra-bright LED that can be used in everyday household applications. LEDs consume very little electricity and they can last for tens of thousands of hours. The component division is trying to produce these special LEDs to replace incandescent lightbulbs. The market for this will be huge if they get it right. Everybody could ditch regular lightbulbs for good which would result in a much cheaper electricity bill every month. You could put these things in just about anything that requires a lightbulb. On this alone we'll make a killing.

Autumn and I went out to dinner with her aunt the other night. Autumn's aunt has some money to play around with on the stock market. Over dinner she asked me what I thought about our company's prospects. I think I went a little overboard talking about work stuff. That's a problem I have. During social gatherings people make small talk by asking each other where they work, what they do for a living. In reality nobody cares. It's just a way to pass time with strangers and feign being polite. My problem is, when people ask me about working here I go too far into details describing it. I'm a tech nerd and I get a little too excited about what I work on. Inevitably they don't understand what I'm talking about so I go into overdrive trying to make sure they "get it." They never really do. There's a lot of head nodding and people saying "Mmhmmm" or "Uhuh" when I ramble on and on about this junk. I always regret it afterward because I must have been obnoxious to be around. The worst part of it is, Autumn has already heard about my work dozens of times already and I'm sure she's completely sick of it by now.

Speaking to Autumn's aunt about what we've got going on in the research and development labs I gave her a strong sales pitch without even realizing what I was doing. Looking back on it now I wish I hadn't. Especially if she buys a bunch of our company stock and it takes a nosedive. She'll be left holding the bag, there will be bad energy, and I will be the asshole. From now on when people ask me what I do for a living I should just tell them "Electronics" and leave it at that.

Founder's Grant

Tech stock IPOs have been really hot on the stock market in the last couple of years. Frequently in the news you'll read about some tiny, little known tech company nestled snugly in Silicon Valley that suddenly is bought out by a corporate leviathan. Overnight those employees at the bought out company become very wealthy. Sometimes they became millionaires due to the stock options they were given and terms of the buyout. We're one of the biggest tech companies in the world. Our Initial Public Offering of stock shares was big news. After the details of Bill and Dave's company breakup were ironed out (which took many months) our new tech company stock was available for purchase on the market at $42 a piece. Not bad.

Funny thing was, unless our employees were buying shares on the open market with their own cash, we were effectively locked out from getting any. We weren't offered any stock options or given even the slightest advantage to try and buy our own stock at a reduced price. Luckily I had some shares in our former computer division so when the company split I did receive an equivalent amount of shares in our new tech company stock. That was automatic. But what about all those employees who didn't have any stocks in the PC group? They got nothing.

Weeks passed. An employee uproar grew over the issue of corporate shutting out our own people from obtaining any stock options. E-mails from people in different product divisions around the country circulated. The ones I read were vehemently angry. Then a grassroots employee letter campaign started. Engineers, mid-level managers, production workers on the shop floor, they were all sending e-mails and letters direct to Supergeek or his staff members. That seemed risky to me because those big dogs on the corporate board never handle criticism well. Anyway, much to my surprise Supergeek listened to the complaints. Sort of.

Supergeek responded to this problem by making a company announcement one afternoon. Every employee worldwide was to be given 100 shares of company stock options as a gift. He called it the "Founder's Grant." There were a few catches. One, the stock option price was set at eighty dollars a share. Keep in mind our stock was available on the market for roughly half that cost. Two, the stock options would not mature or be available to sell until ten years from now. The only exception to this was if the company reached an unattainable financial goal of so many billions of dollars in a specified time period. The formula didn't make any sense. Bottom line: the stock options are pretty much worthless. The announcement had it's desired effect though. Everyone who was whimpering and complaining about stock options finally shut the hell up.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Confiscated ID

Weirdness mandated by our former computer division keeps on coming.

Today we had to form up in groups to turn in our ID badges, and receive new ones. I got stuck with Super Shopper and her entourage of dingbat housewives in my group. It sucked. We walked out to one of the portable buildings on site and waited in a single file line to see the security crew. About a dozen people were ahead of me so I stood there listening to Super Shopper babble. The air inside security's makeshift photo room was hot and getting thicker by the minute. I could feel myself becoming more and more annoyed by the sound of Super Shopper's voice. There was nothing I could do about it though, nowhere to hide. Like everyone else I had to take the hit.

One of the guys ahead of me in line asked a question. He wanted to retain his old ID badge with Bill and Dave's company logo on it as a keepsake. I wanted to do the same thing with mine. I have a collection of every name badge and photo ID card that's been given to me since I started working here eight years ago. I even saved my very first name tag badge from when I was a temporary employee here in 1992. A security officer told the guy that all IDs were to be confiscated at the time of issuing our new one. He added that the old badges are company property of our former computer division and that they would be handed over to them for destruction. If we chose to not turn in our old photo ID badge, no new one would be given out. Whatever. A few of us glanced at each other in line with an expression of disgust.

My turn eventually arrived. I forked over my old ID badge and sat in a little booth with my back to the wall while another security guy shot a digital picture of me. The machine he was operating spat out a plastic card with my mug shot on it. He shoved the ID badge at me, obviously bored out of his mind as he did so. I got up and quickly left the building to get away from Super Shopper and breathe some fresh air.

The picture turned out okay, I guess.


Raining Embers

I woke up late at night in Autumn's bedroom due to the most horrible machine noises I've ever heard in her neighborhood. The racket that startled me from my sleep was a constant high-pitched whine mixed with severe grating, like metal on metal. Before I got out of bed to investigate what the hell was going on I carefully leaned over to look at Autumn. She was sound asleep, didn't hear a damn thing. Autumn usually stuffs foam plugs into her ears before crashing out at night. The noise from passing BART trains bothers her, she claims. When Autumn and I started seeing each other the first few times I stayed over at her apartment I noticed BART trains bugged me too. Didn't take long for me to get used to them though. Now I kinda like them. Each time BART comes into the neighborhood it reminds me of a peaceful rush of wind, or the sound of a wave breaking on the beach. Every once in a while a train will come through with a squeaky axle on one of the cars and it sounds like shit. That doesn't happen often though.

Slipping from underneath the covers I got up and let myself out of Autumn's bedroom. Carefully closing the door behind me I crept through the livingroom and peeked out of the front windows. Whatever that god awful sound was, it echoed through multiple city blocks. The night air was still and calm which makes sounds carry an especially long way here. Sometimes noises bounce off the hill or echo from that derelict Emporium Capwell building in the adjacent strip mall. I didn't see anything from the front balcony view so I scurried into the kitchen and poked my nose into the windows there. Nothing unusual. The sound was louder, like whatever was causing it came closer. Switching back to the livingroom windows I looked out towards the BART tracks and saw something. I could just barely make out a dark silhouette slowly creeping along the Southbound track.

A special kind of track maintenance car eased out of the station platform and as it did so, a steady shower of bright gold sparks rained down on a jogging path below. The track is probably three stories above ground level. I was motionless, transfixed by the beauty of thousands of glowing embers falling gracefully to the pavement. Watching it for a few minutes was worth the annoying nuisance of being jarred awake by all that rowdy noise. I guess that car must have been grinding the rails to keep them free of rust, or something. For a moment I thought I should run out there with a camera to take some quick shots, but then I realized I left it at home again. I really need to get in the habit of bringing a camera with me over here. I keep missing out on interesting stuff. As soon as the track maintenance car was obscured from my view by an apartment building across the street I crept back into bed and tried to go to sleep.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Waving The Orange Flag

The other day Autumn and I were driving through downtown Berkeley. Inevitably we were stopped at a red light, we were caught at one of the busiest intersections in the city. As the light changed and we came to a halt, an Asian kid with a crew cut stepped off the sidewalk and cruised past us with a big smile on his face. He had a day-glow orange flag on a wooden dowel in his hand. He began waving that flag frantically from side to side and twirled it over his head while he walked to the opposite curb. He looked positively idiotic shaking that flag around. When he reached the other side of the street he placed his flag in a shiny metal bucket that was fixed to a traffic signal and continued on his way. Curious.

I asked Autumn what that was about. She said so many pedestrians are run over daily while trying to cross the street that the city of Berkeley decided to place those orange flags at the busiest intersections. People could make themselves more visible to drivers while in the crosswalks. Apparently Berkeley drivers are in such a hurry to get from place to place and easily distracted so they manage to run over their less affluent brethren all the time. It's a chronic problem. Ironically, Autumn also mentioned that within the first day or two of making orange flags available to pedestrians, somebody using one was mowed down by a driver behind the wheel of an SUV.

A few more days passed. I noticed while Autumn and I were driving around the area that many intersections had buckets for holding those orange flags. Only thing was, they were all empty. Not a flag to be seen. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what must have happened to them. They were all stolen. I suppose the thing that sticks in my mind the most about this is, the city of Berkeley has the money to spend on goofy programs like this yet they can't seem to find any cash to feed the legions of homeless bums that patrol almost every downtown street.

Solano Avenue

From Oakland, North to Richmond, there is a mess that people in the San Francisco Bay Area refer to as The East Bay. Traveling on streets between Oakland to Berkeley, you really can't tell where one city ends and the next one begins because it's such a jumbled up sprawl. Same thing goes for the smaller towns of Albany and El Cerrito just North of Berkeley proper. They've been overwhelmed by the sprawl monster to the point of having no identity or distinction of their own anymore. Might as well call all of it Berkeley. Even the police are unsure of which department should respond to an emergency at times. Occasionally they are confused about the street location of an emergency call, is it in their town jurisdiction or is it in the next one over?

Nestled somewhere between the North end of Berkeley and the Albany/El Cerrito train wreck is a street called Solano Avenue. Sometimes I go over there in the morning for coffee with Autumn before we go out and do anything else on a Saturday or Sunday. I need my morning coffee badly like a junkie needs a daily fix. I can't function without a healthy dose of caffeine. Autumn likes the Solano Ave. shops so we frequently head over that way for a variety of things, from shopping for groceries at Andronico's to browsing used books at Pegasus, having dinner at one of the Chinese restaurants there or when we're really feeling flush hitting an upper-scale Indian place called Ajanta.

There's a great place to go have a few beers in a quiet atmosphere on Solano, which is a refreshing change of pace. I'm weary from local dive bars that allow crummy garage bands to play music far too loud in them. Can't hear myself think let alone have a conversation with someone when that crap is going on. The Solano Pub is cool because you can go in there and grab a pint of solid English brew and plunk yourself down in an easy chair with a book. They sell good tobacco for pipe smoking and they have a pretty good selection of cigarettes. Once you pick out something from the Pub's case, you can walk into a smoking room they have set up in the back and puff away. It's a very relaxed scene.

Perhaps my favorite establishment on Solano is The Bone Room. It's a small shop that's easy to miss if you're driving by. The only thing that sets it apart from the rest of it's retail neighbors is the jet black awning with stark white lettering over the front door. The Bone Room specializes in vending truly odd items. I have seen human skeletons from India on sale there as well as a basket full of freeze-dried kittens. Their mainstay is dead bugs though. You can browse their collection of exotic beetles and countless other insects to pick something out that catches your eye. Then you get a framing kit and go home to steam your selected bug so that it's joints become temporarily movable again and put it into a lifelike position. After that it goes in the frame and you hang it on the wall in your home. Kinda wacky, but whenever we are walking by I always have to stop in The Bone Room to see what's new there.

Even though Solano Avenue has an eclectic mix of restaurants and shops, I hate being there. Part of the problem is some genius of a city planner decided it would be a great idea to change curbside parking from parallel to perpendicular so they could add more parking meters. Solano gets a hefty dose of traffic almost every day, so when someone is trying to leave the area they have to back out into oncoming traffic. That fucks everything up. There's also a large group of suicidal pedestrians that like to dash out at random in front of anything from motorcycles to buses. That also adds to the general traffic snarl and chaos. So it really sucks trying to get from point A to point B in the neighborhood. Solano Avenue has to be avoided at all costs if you are trying to get someplace on time.

Solano Avenue attracts the upper-class Berkeley crowd. Standing on the sidewalk sipping my morning coffee I've seen some pretty interesting things happen there. I've also made some stark observations about the people. One day in particular stands out in my memory. I was sipping a cup of coffee on the sidewalk standing by a row of expensive luxury cars. Brand new Mercedes, BMWs, and Volvos were stacked up all over the place. Along came a haggard woman pushing a shopping cart. She was covered in filth from head to toe and in the shopping cart there was a little blonde haired boy playing with a junked toy. The woman was going from trash bin to trash bin picking out bottles and aluminum cans. Meanwhile, hippies were getting into and out of their luxury cars without paying the homeless woman and her kid even the slightest bit of attention. Nobody stopped to give this woman a couple of bucks, or to offer her anything really. It was like she didn't exist. I wished I had brought my camera with me. A photo of that woman rifling through a trash can while seemingly well-off people came and went in their upper-class cars would have said volumes about the Berkeley crowd. What a contrast it was.

Hypocrisy seems to be alive and well there on Solano. Frequently I see hippy vehicles plastered with bumper stickers calling for everything from world peace and ecological activism to the downfall of the US Government. Nothing but black oil-burnt smoke will be belching out of their car's tailpipe as they pass by. It's easy to cry for a Green Earth and point the finger of blame for pollution at big companies, but it's nearly impossible for just one of these hippy nitwits to take the time to properly maintain their car's engine so it doesn't blow thick black smoke into the air. Gotta spend their money on the next bag of weed instead, I guess.

My new partner on swing shift, Jim has told me stories of his encounters with people on Solano. Before working here he used to be a dairy truck driver. His assigned delivery route was in the East Bay and one of his stops was the Andronico's market on Solano. Out of his entire route that Andronico's stop was the worst, he said. Their parking lot in the back of the store is tiny and there's no way to get a big rig through it. Jim was always forced to park his truck on a side street while offloading and making the store's deliveries. While he was there, he told me countless shoppers leaving the store would flip him off, shout insults at him, and occasionally attempt to pick a fistfight with him. Just because of his truck being parked near Andronico's parking lot exit. Nowhere else on his entire delivery route did Jim get hassled like that. It's interesting that people there behave so poorly. Supposedly that Berkeley crowd is all about loving their neighbors and making the world a better place to live. But when you see them in action up close and personal they generally send out a very different message about themselves.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Changing Of The Guard

With Bill and Dave's broken into two separate independent companies our longtime CEO, whom I call Turtlehead, has retired. Not before lining his pockets with loot from Bill and Dave's and our new company of course. Turtlehead had the balls to give himself a tremendous amount of stock shares in the new test and measurement company. Part of his package for instigating the breakup I guess. So, he effectively planted one foot on either side of the fence and then quickly excused himself from the potential business disaster he engineered.

Turtlehead had been with Bill and Dave's since the mid 1960s. He wasn't elevated to upper level management status in the company until the 1980s. In the early 1990s when Dave retired, Turtlehead succeeded him as CEO. What I remember most about Turtlehead was he began the company's outsourcing and offshoring in earnest. Older products and businesses were shifted to outside contractors in an effort to boost short term profits and cut operational costs. The offshoring was initially focused on Malaysia and India, again with the goal of lowering overhead by taking advantage of low wage labor in those countries. He wasn't an effective leader with vision nor was he very creative as far as breaking our company into new markets. One of his biggest dud decisions was to develop electronic test and measurement instruments for the cable television market. It was a huge flop. In the meantime large portions of the rest of the company were relatively stagnant. Everything seemed geared towards maintaining the status-quo.

With the launch of our newly named test and measurement company and much hyped tech stock IPO, Turtlehead took his leave from us. I remember saying to myself, "Good riddance" when it was official and our new CEO assumed control. The new guy is Supergeek.

Supergeek has apparently been lurking around here since the mid 1960s just like Turtlehead although nobody that I've talked with about him seems to remember hearing of him before. From the pictures I've seen of the guy he looks like a four-eyed runt with a small amount of silver hair on his noggin. Oh, and when he smiles he reveals a mouthful of bad teeth. He truly resembles an extra from the film "Revenge Of The Nerds." Somehow he worked his way into the corporate world. From what little I have been able to dig up on the guy it sounds like he has a background in electrical engineering. Maybe he is smart. I dunno. You wouldn't know it from looking at him though. No sir.

It is unclear to me what direction, if any, Supergeek will try to steer us in.

Our former computer division has a new CEO too. She's an outsider from another tech firm that in recent years went through a highly publicized spin off and IPO. In the news media she has been portrayed as somewhat of a corporate darling. Who knows how well she will be able to handle the PC market. All I can say is, I'm glad we didn't get stuck with her.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Trademark Royalties

Those fucking pricks in the computer division sure like to rub salt in our wounds. Now that they've effectively kicked the core of Bill and Dave's company to the curb and stolen their names for the substandard PCs they produce, they've hit us with a specific demand. Remove Bill and Dave's names, and all company logos from our products by a certain deadline or they will slap us with royalty fines. It's going to take us months to re-tool everything to make that happen. The cost will be enormous. Our vendors will have to follow suit. Who knows when they will be able to actually switch over to the new name and logo? Silkscreened nameplates for the front panels on our instruments will have to be changed, as well as every single PC board and microcircuit. We produce tens of thousands of parts that have Bill and Dave's names on them. This isn't going to be easy.

On the back end of the line we have to start shipping some products out to customers with a stupid form letter telling them that we're the same old company they're used to but we've been stuck with a new name. I guess there is a fear some customers might be confused when they receive a multiple product order and some boxes still say they're from Bill and Dave while others don't. What a stupid mess. I seriously doubt we will meet the scheduled deadline.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Circus Of Greed Part Two

Barley was intent on coaxing me over to the bathroom stall he was standing in. The stall door was shut. I had no clue as to what was going on in there, and I really didn't want to know. No good could possibly come from this I thought. I mean, what was he so nervous about and why did he have to play show and tell from a handicapped stall in the restroom? Visions of bad things flashed through my mind. Maybe he just dropped a huge log in the bowl and wanted to display his work. Perhaps he wanted to wiggle his meat pipe at me. Damn. This reminded me of the night Autumn's room mate Jeff called out to me through his bedroom door to "Come in and take a look at something." Jeff broke his leg earlier that night but at the time I didn't know about it. Why does this stupid shit always happen to me?

I stayed right up against the restroom wall which was plenty far enough away from Barley. I'd have enough of a lead on him to run like a motherfucker if he busted that stall door open and did some crazy stuff. When I was almost directly across from him he slowly opened the door to reveal a half dozen walkman CD players still in their plastic packaging. Barley had jammed them in between the metal handrail and the tiled bathroom wall. I was totally confused now. Barley told me he had walked through the dining hall a few minutes ago and came across an opened case of CD players, and he swiped the whole box. Afraid of getting busted for his petty theft he sequestered himself in the bathroom to wait for people he knew to come in. Then he could give them away without fear of being caught. I didn't see what the big deal was, hundreds of employees were walking around with arm loads of those crummy five dollar CD players so who'd care if he won them or if he swiped them. Nobody would know the difference. I mentioned all this to Barley but he seemed convinced that hiding out in the restroom was the best way to evade security. Or something. Anyway, I picked out a blue CD player from his collection, thanked Barley, and split.

Whew.

On my way back to the Big Top tent, I noticed a third, smaller tent-building was off to the side with a bunch of PCs in it. I wandered over to check it out. Someone apparently had the bright idea to hire a gaming company. There was at least two dozen PCs hooked up on a LAN running Unreal Tournament. One guy was standing around looking kind of bored. I picked a spot and sat down. As soon as I did so the bored attendant came over to me and started to describe the control layout, how to play, all that junk. I knew what was what already so I said thanks and waived him away. They had the controls laid out all fucked up from the way most people would so I quickly remapped the keys to my liking and then jumped in for a few brawls. I was the only player. When I spawned into the map all I saw was a mess of bots running around killing each other free for all deathmatch style. That was cool. I had a full beer and plenty of time to waste so what the hell. I'd do battle with bots.

Not long after I began to play I got a nice treat. J1 showed up. He instantly started jaw jacking about what a great video game player he is. Figures. He's always telling lies about how good he is at stuff. I said, "Good. Have a seat and we'll mix it up." This was going to be fun. For me. I don't really care for the Unreal series of video games. Unreal Tournament in particular always seemed extra corny to me, but I'd played it enough to at least be okay at it. J1 really bugs the shit out of me so this would be a nice way to take out some of my frustration on him. I spent the next half dozen rounds knocking him all over the maps. It was glorious. I ignored the bots when I ran across them only messing with them when I couldn't avoid it. The rest of the time I was J1 hunting with a vengeance. I could tell he'd had enough when tears almost started to well up in his eyes and he got up to leave suddenly. He was terrorized. Yay!

After I put a few more beers into me I decided to leave. I had mixed feelings about our company split, but for the most part I was depressed about it. The whole ordeal was a bad move in my opinion. Completely unnecessary. I didn't like the idea of suddenly working for a "new" test and measurement company with a totally different name and a lame-ass logo. I was worried about what the future might bring. Navigating the rat maze of building hallways I made it out to the parking lot, got in my car, and drove home drunk.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Circus Of Greed Part One

During this past week at work I watched a construction crew build a massive tent city outside. Passing by in the hallways of Building 1 near the cafeteria I stopped to look out the windows where a circus style big top framework structure came to life. I was impressed with the speed the men out there were able to put it together. Canvas was hoisted up and draped over the framework of dull grey pipes. To me it seemed surreal.

Plan A was to have Huey Lewis And The News play our celebration gig for Bill and Dave's being split into two separate companies. Corporate didn't want to pay Huey, so they went with Plan B. A screwy carnival event. There were to be separate parties in the same venue. Dayshift would have one in the afternoon and we had ours on swingshift halfway into the night. I went, I drank beer, and I was truly disgusted with many of our employees.

Here's what happened. At the scheduled event time everyone jammed out of the production lines to the circus tents. There were two tents set up next to each other. The first one was where the event planners had a stage planted in the center of the tent. Around the perimeter of canvas walls a line of tables were placed with a rather weak selection of food and low grade beers. Hotdogs and giant pretzels appeared to be all that was offered. As far as a company beer bust is concerned, this was extremely weak. After scoping out the first tent I walked through a breezeway in the back to the second tent. As soon as I saw the mass of bodies and heard all the yelling I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Carnival style games were everywhere, you know like stuff you'd encounter at the county fair. Toss baseballs into a stack of bottles to knock them all down and win a prize. That sort of thing. Problem was, there was no money involved to play anything. All you had to do was stand in a line and wait your turn. If a person didn't win when their turn to take a crack at it came up, they'd just hop back in line and do it again. Nobody could lose. Employees were pushing each other and yelling with excitement. With a beer in my hand I walked to the only open spot I could find near a wall and I watched the frenzied chaos with contempt. None of the items being given away were really useful or worth anything as far as I could see. What was truly lame was the sheer greed of people. Some employees were barely able to walk around in the crowd because they were carrying so much crap under each arm. A few people had won five or six small black and white televisions. Made in China $9.95 specials that you could go buy at Wal Mart or Target or The Dollar Store. Probably. Why in the hell does anybody need half a dozen shoddy TVs?

Mingling through the crowd I noticed quite a few dayshift people showed up. They weren't supposed to be at the swingshift gig but that's how it goes around here. We have some employees that try to get over on the company or on their fellow coworkers at any opportunity. No matter what. So those folks were taking home double the amount of cheapo trinkets. More power to them, I guess.

Sickened by what I saw and completely disinterested in participating in any gaming I slid out of the Greed Room and cruised back to the first tent where the beers and grub were. A show was starting up on the stage. Moving to the front to see what was going on I bumped into Mr. Mo and Supertech. We yapped about how retarded the whole scene was and the three of us proceeded to drink beers. Meanwhile on stage a skinny contortionist girl appeared in a black skin tight bodysuit. She began doing some really strange shit. I don't remember which one of us suggested it now, but the three of us walked around to the back of the stage and watched the contortionist chick from there. I think it's safe to say we had a much more interesting position for viewing her show than the people did out front.

Downing a few more beers I suddenly realized it was time to hit the bathroom. I told Supertech and Mr. Mo I'd catch up with them later. I left the tent weirdness and walked into the cafeteria. The nearest bathrooms were just through the dining hall. Passing through doors and stepping into the vacant dining area I very nearly walked smack dab into a fortune telling booth. Nobody was around. I did a massive double take at the fortune teller. Sitting behind a desk with a turban on his head, a crystal ball in his hands, and wearing a flowing metallic dress was a dirtbag guy with a scraggly beard. He had bright red lipstick on and white facepaint. I had to stop myself from blurting out "What the fuck?" at him. The circus freak flinched a little from my reaction. I hurried past him headed for the restrooms.

I shoved my way through the heavy door into the bathroom and stepped up to take a long leak. Those beers were running through me. Just as I finished up my business and put myself back together, I was startled by a voice. Someone called me. I thought I was alone because when I walked in, there wasn't a sound from anyone in the stalls. I didn't see anybody, which made me nervous. Then I heard it again. In a whispering voice someone said, "Psst. Hey. Factory Peasant. Over here." I spotted Barley. He was peering at me with wide eyes from over the top of the last stall at the back of the bathroom. I cringed. This wasn't cool. I wanted to run for the door but before I could Barley said, "Come here. I got something to show you."

Oh no.