Dinner Date
I was on my way out of the house tonight to drink beers over at Dave's place.
When I walked downstairs into the living room Dangerous D was sitting on my couch with a big jackass sized grin on his face. He reminded me of a cat that had feathers stuck in it's mouth after raiding a bird cage. He seemed way too pleased with himself. I couldn't help but ask why he was in such a good mood. He told me a girl from San Rafael was coming over to meet him. He'd chatted her up online style earlier in the week through Yahoo Personals. Out of curiosity I questioned him about his ideas for how the evening was going to unfold.
"iTS Ay dInNeR dAtE. hehH."
"So where are you guys going out to?"
Dangerous D said, "we'Re GONna HanG OuTt heRe aNNd wAtCH aH moViE."
Oh, great. This was the master plan of my handicapped Casanova of a room mate? He already had downed one or two room temperature Coors Light beers and he was acting a little loopy. I smelled blind date disaster looming on the horizon.
"Look, D. If you've invited a girl over for a first date you don't hang around the house with beer in hand expecting to plunk her down on the couch in front of a crummy video. You're supposed to get spiffed up a bit, put on some foo-foo juice take her out to a film in the theater and then go someplace halfway decent for dinner. Right? Even if you don't know each other all that well from online chatting you both just saw a film so at least you've got dinner table conversation that's an icebreaker."
He didn't get it.
As if almost on cue, the doorbell rang. I swiveled around from where I was standing and answered it. Opening the door I saw a very attractive Latino girl in her early 20s. She was wearing a light colored skirt that wasn't a mini, but it wasn't knee-length either. It didn't quite reach past her thighs which always gets the double thumbs up of approval in my book. She had on a tight top and she wore a headband in her hair. Damn cute, actually.
I was left wondering in amazement how a nimrod like Dangerous D could even get the time of day from a lady like this. Iniviting her inside she brushed past me through the entryway and made a left into the living room. Dangerous D hobbled up from where he was seated and enthusiastically bellowed a retarded sounding "HeLLo!" at her. I knew what was going through her mind from the look on her face. It was one of those startled, abrupt shock expressions that said "Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?" I could tell she instantly knew this was a colossal fuckup, but she managed to power through it. The cute San Rafael girl handed Dangerous D a tupperware container with a half dozen home baked muffins inside. How thoughtful...
I couldn't watch any more. This was going to turn into something entirely dumb and embarrassing. I felt like I had to be embarrassed for Dangerous D because he was too stupid and oblivious to be embarrassed for himself. Before things raced onward into sheer lameness I announced that I was heading over to Dave's and I thought to myself "Nice meeting you, you poor girl."
Shutting the front door behind me I knew she'd be okay, it simply wasn't going to be a good time for her.
When I walked downstairs into the living room Dangerous D was sitting on my couch with a big jackass sized grin on his face. He reminded me of a cat that had feathers stuck in it's mouth after raiding a bird cage. He seemed way too pleased with himself. I couldn't help but ask why he was in such a good mood. He told me a girl from San Rafael was coming over to meet him. He'd chatted her up online style earlier in the week through Yahoo Personals. Out of curiosity I questioned him about his ideas for how the evening was going to unfold.
"iTS Ay dInNeR dAtE. hehH."
"So where are you guys going out to?"
Dangerous D said, "we'Re GONna HanG OuTt heRe aNNd wAtCH aH moViE."
Oh, great. This was the master plan of my handicapped Casanova of a room mate? He already had downed one or two room temperature Coors Light beers and he was acting a little loopy. I smelled blind date disaster looming on the horizon.
"Look, D. If you've invited a girl over for a first date you don't hang around the house with beer in hand expecting to plunk her down on the couch in front of a crummy video. You're supposed to get spiffed up a bit, put on some foo-foo juice take her out to a film in the theater and then go someplace halfway decent for dinner. Right? Even if you don't know each other all that well from online chatting you both just saw a film so at least you've got dinner table conversation that's an icebreaker."
He didn't get it.
As if almost on cue, the doorbell rang. I swiveled around from where I was standing and answered it. Opening the door I saw a very attractive Latino girl in her early 20s. She was wearing a light colored skirt that wasn't a mini, but it wasn't knee-length either. It didn't quite reach past her thighs which always gets the double thumbs up of approval in my book. She had on a tight top and she wore a headband in her hair. Damn cute, actually.
I was left wondering in amazement how a nimrod like Dangerous D could even get the time of day from a lady like this. Iniviting her inside she brushed past me through the entryway and made a left into the living room. Dangerous D hobbled up from where he was seated and enthusiastically bellowed a retarded sounding "HeLLo!" at her. I knew what was going through her mind from the look on her face. It was one of those startled, abrupt shock expressions that said "Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?" I could tell she instantly knew this was a colossal fuckup, but she managed to power through it. The cute San Rafael girl handed Dangerous D a tupperware container with a half dozen home baked muffins inside. How thoughtful...
I couldn't watch any more. This was going to turn into something entirely dumb and embarrassing. I felt like I had to be embarrassed for Dangerous D because he was too stupid and oblivious to be embarrassed for himself. Before things raced onward into sheer lameness I announced that I was heading over to Dave's and I thought to myself "Nice meeting you, you poor girl."
Shutting the front door behind me I knew she'd be okay, it simply wasn't going to be a good time for her.
posted by factory_peasant at 8:35 PM
3 Comments:
bwuahahahahahahahaha!
"why dontcha cummm ohveeerr for teh play date? youuu can change myy diaperr"
oh yes there will be more Dangerous D stories. there will be two sections. the room mate stories and then the post-layoff Dangerous D stories. after he was removed from Bill and Dave's through our first rounds of layoffs D really did some colossally dumb shit. to this day those are some of my favorite fuckup stories. so sit tight, much more is on the way...
wad, nah she bailed out like i figured she would and left the muffins behind. when i came home late that night D had passed out on the couch with the TV on. i'm certain he was drunk and or stoned. couple months later the tupperware container with the nice girl's home baked treats in it were still there untouched so i threw 'em out.
whoever she was, she was damn good lookin.
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