Breakdown
I've been continuing on with counselling. Some of it has been useful to me, some of it hasn't. Couch Potato thinks that I have a great big hole in the center of me, as she puts it, and I keep trying to fill that hole with whatever relationship I can sell myself short to get into. I'm needy. I seem to find myself in bad relationships because just having a woman around, even if she is a headcase is better than being alone. Inevitably I'm not happy anyway. As she puts it I am a "wonderful co-dependant." When I go to a restaurant, I always feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm eating alone. I don't have the cute lady sitting with me at the dinner table. The Couch Potato told me to bring a book when I'm eating out from now on. She also said I should go see alot of movies by myself until I become more comfortable being alone and confident in myself. Another thing she said I should do is not actively look for a girlfriend for a while. It's all sensible advice, I suppose.
Tonight at work Musclehead was hammering me about my split up with Jennifer. He could tell I was hurting when I got in to work this afternoon and like a shark smelling blood he was after the kill. I've done a pretty good job keeping a front going but today for some reason I let it down a little. Just enough for Musclehead to figure out I was depressed. Ever since his altercation with J2, the "woman problems" comment Musclehead made has become somewhat of an inside joke on our line. Is your TV broke and your car dead? It must be woman problems. Did your cat die? Woman problems caused its untimely death. Can't troubleshoot your test instrument? It's woman problems. So, Musclehead started in on me with the woman problems routine. After ten or fifteen minutes of his constant hazing he saw I was about to lose it, and he split. I walked over to the assembly area where no one was around. I broke down. No one saw me, at least not as far as I can tell. I sat there for a good long while and cried. I felt a little better afterward.
I really am a mess.
Tonight at work Musclehead was hammering me about my split up with Jennifer. He could tell I was hurting when I got in to work this afternoon and like a shark smelling blood he was after the kill. I've done a pretty good job keeping a front going but today for some reason I let it down a little. Just enough for Musclehead to figure out I was depressed. Ever since his altercation with J2, the "woman problems" comment Musclehead made has become somewhat of an inside joke on our line. Is your TV broke and your car dead? It must be woman problems. Did your cat die? Woman problems caused its untimely death. Can't troubleshoot your test instrument? It's woman problems. So, Musclehead started in on me with the woman problems routine. After ten or fifteen minutes of his constant hazing he saw I was about to lose it, and he split. I walked over to the assembly area where no one was around. I broke down. No one saw me, at least not as far as I can tell. I sat there for a good long while and cried. I felt a little better afterward.
I really am a mess.
posted by factory_peasant at 6:28 PM
3 Comments:
Nothing like an insecure heartless jerk-off like musclehead to beat up on someone when they are down just to make himeself look and feel better. Worthless piece of shit.
fixed
Nice post, you were right, this sounds very failure to me.
Not so much the part about the heartless asshole fucking with you, that sounded pretty screwed up.
Codependence is a pattern of mine, for me it looks kind of like this:
I tend to get my sense of self worth thru others. I'll gladly offer to cook dinner for a girlfriend, do repairs on her house. I offer to help friends move, drive them to the airport, etc, with out people even hinting at asking.
I feel pretty good when I do those things and I feel really great when I get pats on my back for doing them.
The weird part is that most people seem to see me as a great generous and helpful guy. It is hard for me or them to see this behavior as a problem.
The problem is that, I don't tend to do those things for myself, and I would never ask for help with those things. It seems like more work than it is worth to cook meals or clean the house or (fill in the blank) when I would be doing it "just for me". Also I don't want to bother people with asking them to help me move, even if I just helped them move last month.
My pattern of doing this is so strong that I am constantly offering to do things for other people, while almost never accepting any help from anyone.
The bad part of it is, over time people tend to get used to me doing so much for them, and they tend to give me less and less pats on the back, (some of them even get annoyed by my constand un-needed help) and then I start to feel used or unappreciated and even resentful of the people I am helping.
The result is that I don't have any long term friends, within a year or so max I would be resentful and angry towards all of them.
For the longest time I didn't see how I was creating the problem.
My pattern is to dump most of this on my girlfriend, so it seems really important that I always have a girlfrined. My main goals and priorities are about getting her needs met and making her happy. This drive is so strong in me that I become quite honestly unaware of my own personal needs and feelings.
Actually I suspect this behavior is a defense mechanism that I use as a form of escapism to deliberately, but unconsciously avoid my deep negative feelings.
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