Fading Out

Looks like I've done it. After months of neglect and general abuse Jennifer has told me she wants us to spend time apart. I didn't see how we could realistically do this while living under the same roof so I offered to move out. I have been constantly unhappy in this relationship anyway and I wonder why have I stayed this long. The same answer rolls around in my mind. I stayed because I kept hoping things would get better. Never did.

There have been plenty of warning signs over the last year, maybe two years. Jennifer asked me numerous times to go out with her to a movie, or to a baseball game in the city. She even asked me to work out with her at the gym. I wasn't into any of it and I didn't listen to her. I thought to myself, why put in the time to go do stuff with her when the rest of our relationship was so crummy? The sex has always been bad for both of us, we don't have anything in common as far as interests. Being a night owl hasn't helped any, either. I love working at night. I did alot of damage with mishandling my finances. I'm a financial retard. Jennifer is money obsessed. I never have any loot and this has frustrated the shit out of her. Especially when she's had to buy our groceries almost every time we go to the store. I am such a fool. I have the worst fear she's already seeing another guy and that is really what prompted her to mention spending time apart from each other. Would have been better if she had asked me to move out and get it overwith.

I'm stressed out. I can't concentrate on the job and I'm making a bunch of stupid mistakes. Someone is going to notice soon if I don't get it under control. Tonight all I thought about at work was Jennifer. It's like I'm possessed. One moment I want to just get the hell away from her, and the next moment I decide I'm not going to simply fade out and end the relationship. I'll write her a letter and see what she says. I haven't been able to eat since sometime the day before yesterday. All I have been doing the past two days is drink a whole pot of coffee before work in the early afternoon. Driving the car on the way in to work today both my arms went numb from the caffeine.

I feel sick.