Ye Of Little Faith
Autumn called me earlier this evening. As soon as I picked up the phone and heard her voice I knew something was wrong. There was a slight tremble to her words, she was upset. Autumn had been acting strange for quite a while. I couldn't understand why and it made me nervous. She said she had something important to talk to me about. I told her I was listening.
She started to choke up like she was on the verge of tears. Then she said, "I feel like you have abandoned your mother... and... if I get sick... you'll do the same thing... to me." Autumn lost it. She began to cry.
Sitting on the edge of my bed it finally was dawning on me what was going on. I began to understand why she had been acting so weird. Autumn had been dwelling on my mother's illness and the way Dad had continued to mistreat Mom. Somehow, Autumn was turning the whole situation around so that it was all about herself. I couldn't believe it. What kind of completely fouled up logic is that? Staring at the wall, another realization hit me. This one hit me hard and it hurt bad. Like taking a strong punch to the chest I felt as if the wind had been knocked right out of me.
I was having trouble breathing.
What Autumn was really saying, what she was telling me quite clearly is that she had no confidence or faith in me at all. She was telling me that I'm just like my Dad. Pain welled up throughout my whole body. I never have felt so low in my life. I am nothing like my father. If I had a wife that was suffering from disease I would do everything in my power to help her, unconditionally. I would do the same for Autumn no matter what. Apparently she didn't think so.
Autumn had almost no understanding of my family problems. My mother was terminally ill. There was little I could do about that. Mom was living hundreds of miles away with a man who didn't care about her. There was little I could do about that, either. My shithead of a father had de-facto power of attorney over every aspect of Mom's life. Everything went through him first. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I couldn't go kidnap Mom and bring her back to live with me. I didn't have the space in my house nor did I have the financial means to support her. Knowing this made no difference. Autumn wouldn't listen to anything I could think of to say. She already made up her mind and talking about it won't solve a damn thing. I've been painted into a corner I can't escape from.
I told Autumn what I thought she wanted to hear. I would do whatever she suggested as long as it made her happy. That's all I cared about, really. It's the only thing that matters. I desperately needed Autumn's approval and acceptance.
After hanging up the phone I continued to sit on the edge of my bed for a long time with my face in my hands.
She started to choke up like she was on the verge of tears. Then she said, "I feel like you have abandoned your mother... and... if I get sick... you'll do the same thing... to me." Autumn lost it. She began to cry.
Sitting on the edge of my bed it finally was dawning on me what was going on. I began to understand why she had been acting so weird. Autumn had been dwelling on my mother's illness and the way Dad had continued to mistreat Mom. Somehow, Autumn was turning the whole situation around so that it was all about herself. I couldn't believe it. What kind of completely fouled up logic is that? Staring at the wall, another realization hit me. This one hit me hard and it hurt bad. Like taking a strong punch to the chest I felt as if the wind had been knocked right out of me.
I was having trouble breathing.
What Autumn was really saying, what she was telling me quite clearly is that she had no confidence or faith in me at all. She was telling me that I'm just like my Dad. Pain welled up throughout my whole body. I never have felt so low in my life. I am nothing like my father. If I had a wife that was suffering from disease I would do everything in my power to help her, unconditionally. I would do the same for Autumn no matter what. Apparently she didn't think so.
Autumn had almost no understanding of my family problems. My mother was terminally ill. There was little I could do about that. Mom was living hundreds of miles away with a man who didn't care about her. There was little I could do about that, either. My shithead of a father had de-facto power of attorney over every aspect of Mom's life. Everything went through him first. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I couldn't go kidnap Mom and bring her back to live with me. I didn't have the space in my house nor did I have the financial means to support her. Knowing this made no difference. Autumn wouldn't listen to anything I could think of to say. She already made up her mind and talking about it won't solve a damn thing. I've been painted into a corner I can't escape from.
I told Autumn what I thought she wanted to hear. I would do whatever she suggested as long as it made her happy. That's all I cared about, really. It's the only thing that matters. I desperately needed Autumn's approval and acceptance.
After hanging up the phone I continued to sit on the edge of my bed for a long time with my face in my hands.
posted by factory_peasant at 12:13 PM
6 Comments:
thanks.
a damn near perfect non-logical
exit strategy on her part...
just my 2 cents.
almost akin to: your family member
is deathly ill, that means your are
going to club baby seals! pure ass
looking back on it now i really don't know what the hell she was thinking. didn't make much sense. i sure didn't need the extra complications and stress though.
that was a terrible time in my life.
I happen to know you, i beleive there is little you would not do for a friend. She was ignorant of how far you were willing to go for her, and insecure enough to let that be a problem. I guess.
DT
Wow... I just happened to come across your blog. Perhaps by kismet but I have a friend going through a similar situation. I hope that at some point there is some sort of release for you. Either because you are able to confront your father or because your mother finally finds peace. A dreadful thing to say, I know... but ultimately, the kind of tension you are going through is apparently seeping into other parts of your life. I hope you find a light.
DT- thanks br0. as far as Autumn goes i think you are correct. she never really gave me a chance... i would have done a good job taking care of her. if she had let me i think i could have made her happy. during our relationship Autumn kept putting up obstacles, barriers, and limitations. it was extremely frustrating.
you know, my sister wasn't involved hardly at all over the last few years mom was alive. she finally started helping out in the last six months or so. she ducked my parents for years only calling them when she was in need or in some kind of trouble. the rest of the time she had nothing to do with them. spun out from putting too many drugs up your nose and need to come back to live with mom and dad? no problem. car is busted and got no money to fix it? call mom and dad. rest of the time fuck 'em.
somehow i seriously doubt my brother in law was lying awake at night thinking to himself 'oh my wife has abandoned her mother so she's going to do the same thing to me. i better get outta here!'
mentally ill bullshit.
spared- thanks. obviously i don't know anything about your friend's family situation but i can honestly relate to what he or she is going through. over the next couple of weeks i will be finishing up with this part of my life's story so if you want, pass bill and dave's along to your pal. maybe reading about some of my experiences will somehow help them get through a tough time. i dunno. i appreciate you taking the time to read some of my stuff. stay cool.
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