Debt To Society

Sitting on Autumn's livingroom couch I became more frustrated and angry with her. Too many thoughts were rattling around in my head at such a fast pace that I couldn't put a logical argument together as to why she should not waste her time teaching illiterate convicts. To a large degree I was disgusted with her. Violent offenders in a maximum security prison are throw-aways, people who are there because they committed acts of moral turpitude against society. I don't care if a serial rapist doesn't know how to solve simple math problems, nor do I care if a murderer can read or write. Fuck them. They're human garbage. I guess I divide people into categories of "worthy" or "not worthy" and Autumn doesn't.

It seems to me that Autumn has missed the point of being charitable, of what it really means to be an altruistic person. If you are going to help people, if you are determined to be a Saint, put your effort in where it's going to do the most good for society. Giving a kidney to an old man makes no sense to me. Why not have helped a person in dire need of a kidney transplant like a teenager or someone in their 20s instead? Wouldn't that have been a better choice? Why teach criminals basic literacy skills when there are tons of underprivileged kids in schools between Oakland and Richmond? Who is more deserving of Autumn's time?

Part of the reason why I am upset with Autumn is that her charitable acts are in my view, extreme. Once, she tried to explain to me why she does this stuff. Autumn feels like she owes a debt to society. In my opinion Autumn doesn't owe anyone a damn thing. Apparently she feels some kind of pain and the only way to get rid of it is by doing things to help other people. It was unclear to me if this pain she feels is physical, emotional, or imaginary. She lost me there, and I began to suspect that maybe what she is really dealing with is some form of mental illness. Something only a psychiatrist would be able to understand. The bottom line is Autumn doesn't care how I feel. She is going to do what she wants to do no matter what I say about it. To her, my opinions are not valid. That hurts.

With an accusatory tone in my voice I began asking questions. I wanted to know why she was so bent on tutoring criminals. Autumn said that most of San Quentin's inmates will eventually be paroled. If they don't have the most basic literacy skills before being put on the street there is a much greater chance of them reverting to a life of crime again. They'll land right back in prison. She had a good point. I didn't know what to say. I was greatly concerned with the kind of safety Autumn would have inside the prison. What if an inmate shanked her? Would guards be nearby in case she needed help? Autumn told me that in order for prisoners to be allowed into San Quentin's literacy programs they had to have good behavior status or something, and she said that many of them were old and grey. She blew off my worrying about her safety like I was being an idiot about it. Then it hit me. Autumn anticipated I wasn't going to support her decision and that decision had already been made. There was nothing I could do to change her mind.