Race Car Driver
Tonight at work I was sitting in front of the power supply test station completely absorbed in my job and peacefully minding my own business. Area 51 received a military order for a number of units with an installed option that drastically alters the electronic functionality of the boxes. Building and testing these "specials" as we call them, requires more involved effort on our part to get them through the power supply test station. I had a stack of them to knock out before I went off-site for lunch. Being hungry, I was impatiently waiting for each test to finish. Visions of a chicken super burrito from one of my favorite Mexican restaurants kept me from concentrating. That was when J1 came into the production area and startled me.
J1 was babbling something about his car. He was talking so quickly with a nervous tone in his voice that I could barely understand any of it. I asked him to please slow down and start all over from the beginning again. He said, "While I was coming back in to work from my lunch break I hit something I think it was a sidewalk curb I'm not sure and one of my tires is flat and I don't have a car jack and it's dark outside now so I can't see and..." Fuck. The guy was rambling. Tears were welling up in his eyes. Here was a grown man with a wife and two children to take care of, and he's standing before me on the verge of crying because he popped a tire? Disgusting. I'd puke if tear drops crawled out from the corner of his eyes. I swear I would.
I asked J1, "So what kinda car have you got?"
"It's a 1986 Honda sedan." He said.
"Okay then. You have a jack." J1 looked at me with a perplexed expression on his face. It was true though, J1 absolutely had a jack in the trunk of his car. Hondas in the mid-80s all have a tiny compartment in the trunk that has a little knob you twist and pull to reveal a bottle jack with a small bag of tools. It's easy to miss. Autumn's Honda is the same way and I couldn't locate it in her car until she pointed it out to me. So, J1 more than likely didn't notice it and assumed he was screwed. A flat tire is no big deal though. I mean it's not like throwing a rod in your engine block or blowing up a transmission. It's just a fucking tire. Still looking like he was about to blubber all over me and piss me off further which may have resulted in him being punched, I decided to show pity on J1 and go outside to help the jackass change his tire.
Lucky for me J1 happened to have parked his ride in the same lot I use. He wasn't far from where I left the Cougar. Walking over to the trunk of my car I opened it and removed my chrome 4-way tire iron and a flashlight. Those little crummy-ass tire irons they include with most jack kits really don't work all that great so I prefer the 4-way irons. You can get a bunch more leverage on them with two hands which makes brawling with a flat much easier. I'm real into easier.
J1 opened his trunk and was standing there doing what he does best- look stupid. I poked my nose into the passenger side and immediately found the jack compartment. Pulling the door off I could tell the jack was brand new. Never been used not even once. J1 was stunned. Before he could say anything annoying I handed him the jack kit and my 4-way tire iron and I said, "I'll hold the flashlight so you can see what you're doing, but you're going to do the work yourself. I ain't doin' it." That seemed fine with him.
The blown tire was his passenger front. I stood on the curb shining my flashlight downward while J1 started changing out the flat. Knowing that sooner or later J1 would not be able to resist the temptation to open his mouth and jabber away at me I simply braced for the worst. As soon as he successfully planted the bottle jack under the Honda's frame and raised it high enough to get his wheel in the air, J1 stories erupted. He's worse than Commander McBragg. "I know cars. I was a race car driver. Did I ever tell you that? I worked on cars all the time. I know cars." Yeah, J1 sure knows cars. Fumbling around with the tire iron he began twisting it to the right.
Ever heard the catch phrase "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey?" Apparently J1 hadn't. By twisting to the right he was tightening his lug nuts, not removing them from the wheel. Oh, and that was just his second blunder. The first idiot move he made was to jack the car up off the ground. The proper way is to break your lug nuts while the wheel is still on the pavement. With each pull on the tire iron J1 was forcing to the right, his wheel spun with him. The whole time he kept babbling at me, "I know cars BLAH BLAH BLAH." I didn't want to question him for details about his race car driver story because that would encourage him to keep the lie going. I said nothing and just watched him be the giant, greasy retard that he is. "Race car driving YAP YAP YAP I'm a mechanic YAP YAP YAPPITY YAP I know everything YAP YAP YAP..."
I couldn't handle it anymore and interrupted his tirade of bullshit. "Okay. Now are you ready to do this the correct way?" J1 looked upwards from where he was hunched over on the ground as I aimed the flashlight into his eyes, making him squint. With a smirk on my face I barked out orders. "Number one. Put the wheel back down on the ground." J1 fell silent and did as I commanded. "Number two. Break the lug nuts by twisting them to the left. LEFTY LOOSEY. You got that?" I watched as he completed this most complicated task. "Now jack the car up and remove your flat. Good. Put the spare tire on and start threading the lug nuts RIGHTY TIGHTY. Spin them down with the iron until they catch. You can lower the car. Okay, tighten each nut with the iron and alternate the pattern you tighten them. Don't do each one in clockwise order." J1 finished up and I said, "Okay race car driver. Now you know how to change a flat tire. Gimmie my tire iron." I was laughing at him as he handed it back to me. I dumped my tire iron and flashlight back in the Cougar, slammed the trunk lid shut and walked inside building 2 leaving J1 behind.
J1 was babbling something about his car. He was talking so quickly with a nervous tone in his voice that I could barely understand any of it. I asked him to please slow down and start all over from the beginning again. He said, "While I was coming back in to work from my lunch break I hit something I think it was a sidewalk curb I'm not sure and one of my tires is flat and I don't have a car jack and it's dark outside now so I can't see and..." Fuck. The guy was rambling. Tears were welling up in his eyes. Here was a grown man with a wife and two children to take care of, and he's standing before me on the verge of crying because he popped a tire? Disgusting. I'd puke if tear drops crawled out from the corner of his eyes. I swear I would.
I asked J1, "So what kinda car have you got?"
"It's a 1986 Honda sedan." He said.
"Okay then. You have a jack." J1 looked at me with a perplexed expression on his face. It was true though, J1 absolutely had a jack in the trunk of his car. Hondas in the mid-80s all have a tiny compartment in the trunk that has a little knob you twist and pull to reveal a bottle jack with a small bag of tools. It's easy to miss. Autumn's Honda is the same way and I couldn't locate it in her car until she pointed it out to me. So, J1 more than likely didn't notice it and assumed he was screwed. A flat tire is no big deal though. I mean it's not like throwing a rod in your engine block or blowing up a transmission. It's just a fucking tire. Still looking like he was about to blubber all over me and piss me off further which may have resulted in him being punched, I decided to show pity on J1 and go outside to help the jackass change his tire.
Lucky for me J1 happened to have parked his ride in the same lot I use. He wasn't far from where I left the Cougar. Walking over to the trunk of my car I opened it and removed my chrome 4-way tire iron and a flashlight. Those little crummy-ass tire irons they include with most jack kits really don't work all that great so I prefer the 4-way irons. You can get a bunch more leverage on them with two hands which makes brawling with a flat much easier. I'm real into easier.
J1 opened his trunk and was standing there doing what he does best- look stupid. I poked my nose into the passenger side and immediately found the jack compartment. Pulling the door off I could tell the jack was brand new. Never been used not even once. J1 was stunned. Before he could say anything annoying I handed him the jack kit and my 4-way tire iron and I said, "I'll hold the flashlight so you can see what you're doing, but you're going to do the work yourself. I ain't doin' it." That seemed fine with him.
The blown tire was his passenger front. I stood on the curb shining my flashlight downward while J1 started changing out the flat. Knowing that sooner or later J1 would not be able to resist the temptation to open his mouth and jabber away at me I simply braced for the worst. As soon as he successfully planted the bottle jack under the Honda's frame and raised it high enough to get his wheel in the air, J1 stories erupted. He's worse than Commander McBragg. "I know cars. I was a race car driver. Did I ever tell you that? I worked on cars all the time. I know cars." Yeah, J1 sure knows cars. Fumbling around with the tire iron he began twisting it to the right.
Ever heard the catch phrase "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey?" Apparently J1 hadn't. By twisting to the right he was tightening his lug nuts, not removing them from the wheel. Oh, and that was just his second blunder. The first idiot move he made was to jack the car up off the ground. The proper way is to break your lug nuts while the wheel is still on the pavement. With each pull on the tire iron J1 was forcing to the right, his wheel spun with him. The whole time he kept babbling at me, "I know cars BLAH BLAH BLAH." I didn't want to question him for details about his race car driver story because that would encourage him to keep the lie going. I said nothing and just watched him be the giant, greasy retard that he is. "Race car driving YAP YAP YAP I'm a mechanic YAP YAP YAPPITY YAP I know everything YAP YAP YAP..."
I couldn't handle it anymore and interrupted his tirade of bullshit. "Okay. Now are you ready to do this the correct way?" J1 looked upwards from where he was hunched over on the ground as I aimed the flashlight into his eyes, making him squint. With a smirk on my face I barked out orders. "Number one. Put the wheel back down on the ground." J1 fell silent and did as I commanded. "Number two. Break the lug nuts by twisting them to the left. LEFTY LOOSEY. You got that?" I watched as he completed this most complicated task. "Now jack the car up and remove your flat. Good. Put the spare tire on and start threading the lug nuts RIGHTY TIGHTY. Spin them down with the iron until they catch. You can lower the car. Okay, tighten each nut with the iron and alternate the pattern you tighten them. Don't do each one in clockwise order." J1 finished up and I said, "Okay race car driver. Now you know how to change a flat tire. Gimmie my tire iron." I was laughing at him as he handed it back to me. I dumped my tire iron and flashlight back in the Cougar, slammed the trunk lid shut and walked inside building 2 leaving J1 behind.
posted by factory_peasant at 4:49 PM
13 Comments:
I remember those specials. I don't want to mention the actual option number but was it for DC voltage(280 I think) for U.S. submarines? Or was it for the other unit that rhymed with bliss?
TC
we had a few weird ones. the ones you hated rhymed with bliss. those were the *wink wink* x43's if i remember correctly.
the ones i hated at power supply were the x10's. i don't think they were ever on the same orders because the x10's didn't have a front panel and they had that really weird rear panel connection setup but yeah they were to operate at a much higher voltage and frequently failed at the power supply test rack which made them a royal pain in the ass.
Okie Carol disliked working on them so much she usually saved them for me. how sweet.
Hey FP,
The X10 was actually a good product. The thing is, I never could figure out how someone could pay $30,000 for a box that had no front panel display. This was basically a 23 ghz box with the addition of the DC power supply. The government liked this box, and so did I. It paid a lot of paychecks.
years later i finally figured out what they were doing with those x10's. because of the end-use having no front panel made good sense. nobody will be able to figure this out besides you guys, so check this article:
ORLANDO, Fla.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Dec. 14, 1998--Lockheed Martin Information Systems has been awarded a two-year, $48.4 million U.S. Navy contract for automated test equipment designed to diagnose and repair complex weapon systems electronics.
The 39 new Consolidated Automated Support System (CASS) stations, the Navy's standard test system, will be assembled and tested at the Lockheed Martin Assembly Services facility in Americus, Ga. Engineering, sourcing and program management activities will be performed at the Lockheed Martin Information Systems Center in Orlando.
The modification to the current CASS program calls for nine CASS hybrid systems to provide tests for a wide range of complex military electronics, including electro-optics, communications, navigation, identification, electronic warfare, and radar tests.
The 30 new radio frequency CASS stations will provide general-purpose analog and digital test capabilities, extremely high radio frequency stimulus and measurement capabilities.
"We are pleased that the Navy expedited the award in 1998, three months earlier than scheduled," said Lockheed Martin Information Systems President John Hallal. "The CASS program is a model of U.S. Navy-government contractor partnership that provides the best value for systems procurement."
Key features of CASS include embedded calibration and self-maintenance, embedded CALS-compatible technical manuals and training; embedded system management software; station commonality for consistent test program set transportability; and an open architecture.
Part of the Corporation's $6.5 billion Information & Services Sector, Lockheed Martin Information Systems is a world leader in the delivery of support solutions for customer programs, to include automated test systems, simulation and training and integrated information technology and identification.
Headquartered in Bethesda, Maryland, Lockheed Martin is a highly diversified global enterprise principally engaged in the research, design, development, manufacture and integration of advanced-technology systems, products and services. The Corporation's core businesses span space and telecommunications, electronics, information and services, aeronautics, energy and systems integration.
Employing approximately 170,000 people worldwide, Lockheed Martin had 1997 sales surpassing $28 billion.
The X43's were also fun. Me and my red haired partner used to work on them. They were cool because it was not something we worked on everyday. We complained, but it was something new so we liked to work on it. Hi J33n!
Make that 170,001 worldwide employees at Lockheed. Goodbye bill and dave's.
Barley
that Crazy Redhead is around. she lurks here you know.
Barley, you crack me up man. that was funnie.
Sea squid is lurking also. We still email on occasion. I turned him onto your blog.
TC
that's awesome TC. sea squid was a riot. both of you guys had me laffin so hard...
Yes, that crazy redhead does still lurk...I don't miss a post on your great blog. I just love it!
Ex-tech
Ex-tech we are glad that you are here. We think about you a lot and miss you.
TC
The same goes for me, TC; thanks bunches!
Ex-tech
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