8.3.1999

Autumn doesn't understand why I stay at Bill and Dave's company. All the stories I've told her about how frustrated I am with fellow employees and chronic mis-management from corporate HQ all the way down to the factory shop floor have left her confused as to why I haven't quit. There are a few reasons why I stay with it. I get to work with technologies and hardware every day that most people have never heard of let alone actually seen before. The instruments I work on are used for countries' space programs, modernizing and strengthening armed services around the world, advancing scientific research at universities and laboratories, and supporting wireless telecommunications. You wouldn't have a cell phone without the equipment we manufacture. I like the feeling I get knowing I'm directly contributing to these kinds of industries despite all the bullshit I have to put up with on a daily basis at work. Also, I've discovered that I'm pretty good at electronics. So that's why I haven't left even though Bill and Dave's company is entirely dysfunctional. I enjoy the work too much.

I spent the whole weekend leeching off of Autumn. I feel dirty. She's kind and generous to me and I feel like slime for accepting it with little to offer in return. I don't manage my money well. It's one of my worst problems. Despite feeling guilty I did have a good time with Autumn. We didn't go out to do anything special. We just stayed around her apartment and did domestic stuff. I feel closer to her. I can't describe why. I just do. That realization hit me so hard this weekend in particular, that she loves me so much. It's genuine, not surface like it was with Jennifer.

On Friday as soon as I got home from work I decided to dress up for Autumn in my favorite gray suit. Even though we weren't going out for an expensive dinner at some posh restaurant or going to see a show, I wanted to at least look good for her. A small surprise. I thought about what I look like when I come home from work on Friday nights and I was ashamed. I haven't been putting much effort into my appearance. She almost always goes through the trouble of getting dolled up for me. The small amount of time it took to wear a suit and run a comb through my hair ended up paying off in a big way later that night. I think Autumn was pleased.